Friday, April 20, 2012

"Wait 'til you have kids"

Or the ever popular
"You should have kids"

It's an annoying pain in the ass to hear it from someone who doesn't know better...but from those who do...

Seriously?

And when I respond that I have 4 children, they're just dead I get an eye roll as if to say "that's not what I meant at all Angela".

No one says that to parents with severely disabled children, even though they probably understand parenting a normal child about as much as I do. But they've seen and interacted with their children and can't deny their existence, even though what they actually mean to say is "wait til you have children like mine, wait til you experience parenting like me".

How very self-centered! No two parenting experiences are alike and choosing to deny mine is to deny the validity, the realness of my children's lives and that is something I simply will not stand for. I am a mother, their mother, and I don't care how many eye rolls or scoffs I get, I will not let anyone do that to my children.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Menstrual migraine

... Because bleeding out the vag, the return of endo-level cramps, and once again not being pregnant did not quite suck enough. Thanks, God, for clearing that up.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

My Own Breed of Crazy

I've always lived my life a little on the quirky side of things, but infertility and RPL have pushed me quite decidedly over the line into crazy town.


  • This week, I honestly got jealous of a pregnant stick figure my soon-to-be-cousin-in-law drew in draw something.  
  • I miss morning sickness (and let me tell you, last go round i had it in a pretty big way)
  • Small children are hard to be around, and babies nearly impossible.  Ironic considering my life's only goal for the last 4+ years, no?
  • I can't even pretend to be happy for my friends anymore and they're all pregnant or have small children so i just keep them at arms length.  They don't need my rain on their parade anyways.  
  • Sometimes, I lie awake at night trying to will my tummy flub to turn into a person.  No luck on that one... yet.  
  • They say the mark of a truly crazy person is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  I think TTC falls pretty firmly into that category these days. For one, I'm trying desperately to plow through ptsd-esque flashbacks for regular BD, which never seems to result in pregnancy...and even if it did, It's equally crazy for a person in my shoes to think pregnancy=baby.  But i still think like that most of the time.  Hope desperately that somewhere, wherever the end of this tunnel is, there is a baby there.