Saturday, August 25, 2012


Another pregnancy announcement of another friend who will probably only talk to me out of a sense of propriety ever again, after all who would intentionally include someone as broken and bitter as me in their happily ever after? And my  first reaction... Try to wish myself out of Exsistence (it's a good thing I still value my life, or we'd have real issues) and to be angry and bitter and jealous and to mourn because I have probably lost another friend.

It's not like I like being bitter, but I can't bring myself to to be happy for the fact that everyone around me keeps getting the only thing i ever wanted and leaving me behind in the process.  And I can't bring myself to stop wanting it.  And there doesn't seem to be anything more I can do to facilitate it.  Ive been going back and forth on going back to the RE since we're coming up on another year of trying...but Outside of my surgeries, which i agree are significant (but which are also over), the RE has been of no help to me.  And if I did, should i see my old RE in Pittsburgh, or a new one that works at my new preferred hospital in Morgantown? On one hand maybe it'd help to have one that knows my history, but a new perspective might be nice too.  Or maybe i should invest the time in money into some counseling and get my crazy straightened out.  But I have no idea if that'd help.  I just want a baby.  Who'd have thought it'd have to be so hard.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

5 Years

I saw on pinterest last week, a suggestion to new brides that they make a "where I see myself" sheet for the next 5, 10, 15 years and make a kind of time capsule of it.  Open on the intervals and see how u measure up, and how your outlook has changed.  

Mr. Fix-It and I are quickly coming up on 5 years of marriage.  Everyone around us keeps commenting on "how fast it all goes by"...but for me the last 5 years have been slow and miserable.  Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of good times and my husband is an incredible man who I wouldn't trade for the world.  I'm not sure how I caught him, and I certainly don't deserve him, but he's my everything.

But if I had bothered to make one of those time capsules, I know exactly what my goals would have been: Move back to the general vacinity of my hometown, own a home with plenty of land, be the mother of a 4 year old, a 3yo, 2yo, a 1yo and have another on the way.  Bury myself in raising them and loving my husband, whatever that may have meant. little league, swim classes, etc.  To some people, I'm sure that seems small or anti-feminist, or unrealistic, or insufficient... but I knew exactly what I wanted.  I have no desire for a career, or glory... I wanted my legacy to be my children.

5 years later, I have accomplished a grand total of one of those things.  In my grand "life schedule", I was actually a year ahead, having completed college and gotten married a year ahead of schedule.  But I haven't really moved ahead since then.  I an 4 years behind schedule.  I guess you could say I do have 4 children (who would be almost 3, almost 3, 1.5 and 1) tho I can't claim another on the way.  But burying myself in these children means burying myself under grief and pain and an ocean of what-ifs.  I can't say I don't do it at times, but I can say that it's the epitome of unhealthy and I get lost and suffocated so easily.  I come out with no idea who I am or who I was.

5 years seems a good point to re-evaluate... a GREAT time to re-evaluate, but I can't bring myself to it.  Of course, I have to keep shoving things back since the rest of my life goals depend on accomplishing these ones first, but I can't bring myself to want something different.  So often, I feel so lost.  I feel like the last 5 years have completely torn down who I used to be to the point that I can't remember who I was, and left me as no one, empty.  But when you ask me what I want for my life, I still know the answer. (maybe there's still a little of the old me left.)  The only problem is that now I'm very sincerely afraid that I may never get even a glimpse of that life.  What was once steering merrily off into the sunset is now driving myself off a cliff.  I may yet have the opportunity to live the life I've always wanted, but I do have to ask myself  "What if I don't?" because I get no say in it anymore.

How do you change the inmost desires of your heart?

Sunday, May 13, 2012

How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back? There are some things time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep that have taken hold.  ~ Frodo, Return of the King

Friday, April 20, 2012

"Wait 'til you have kids"

Or the ever popular
"You should have kids"

It's an annoying pain in the ass to hear it from someone who doesn't know better...but from those who do...


And when I respond that I have 4 children, they're just dead I get an eye roll as if to say "that's not what I meant at all Angela".

No one says that to parents with severely disabled children, even though they probably understand parenting a normal child about as much as I do. But they've seen and interacted with their children and can't deny their existence, even though what they actually mean to say is "wait til you have children like mine, wait til you experience parenting like me".

How very self-centered! No two parenting experiences are alike and choosing to deny mine is to deny the validity, the realness of my children's lives and that is something I simply will not stand for. I am a mother, their mother, and I don't care how many eye rolls or scoffs I get, I will not let anyone do that to my children.

Monday, April 16, 2012

Menstrual migraine

... Because bleeding out the vag, the return of endo-level cramps, and once again not being pregnant did not quite suck enough. Thanks, God, for clearing that up.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

My Own Breed of Crazy

I've always lived my life a little on the quirky side of things, but infertility and RPL have pushed me quite decidedly over the line into crazy town.

  • This week, I honestly got jealous of a pregnant stick figure my soon-to-be-cousin-in-law drew in draw something.  
  • I miss morning sickness (and let me tell you, last go round i had it in a pretty big way)
  • Small children are hard to be around, and babies nearly impossible.  Ironic considering my life's only goal for the last 4+ years, no?
  • I can't even pretend to be happy for my friends anymore and they're all pregnant or have small children so i just keep them at arms length.  They don't need my rain on their parade anyways.  
  • Sometimes, I lie awake at night trying to will my tummy flub to turn into a person.  No luck on that one... yet.  
  • They say the mark of a truly crazy person is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  I think TTC falls pretty firmly into that category these days. For one, I'm trying desperately to plow through ptsd-esque flashbacks for regular BD, which never seems to result in pregnancy...and even if it did, It's equally crazy for a person in my shoes to think pregnancy=baby.  But i still think like that most of the time.  Hope desperately that somewhere, wherever the end of this tunnel is, there is a baby there.  

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

No Hyacinths For You!

Yesterday, while in my hometown to have my dad look at my car, I decided it was high time to get my Easter on in the cemetery.  I get really paranoid about getting behind on the upkeep A. so people don't think that I'm neglecting it because I don't live right down the street, and B. because when I'm not, other people do it for me...and I know they mean well, but I get really hurt when they do.  While the rest of my friends are out decorating nurseries and picking out frilly Easter dresses, this is all I get to do for my daughter.  I wish everyone else saw that and left it for me.  

The grocery and home improvement stores here are full of potted Easter flowers.  It only seemed reasonable then, that the ones an hour away would also be so, and its much easier to buy flowers there than to have them spilling over and getting dirt in my car on the ride over.  

Boy was I WRONG!  One nursery told me they wouldn't have Easter flowers until mother's day, explain that one to me.  The hyacinths (which are really what I was after, but I'd have taken tulips or daffodils) in my yard are almost spent, so it's silly for them to tell me they couldn't have blossomed yet.  I went to every grocery store, hardware store, and nursery in plum and I found no bulb flowers whatsoever.  Only one place had any flowers at all.  So I wound up with pansies that are probably dead already from last night's frost and I'l have to plant some more flowers next spring.  I did at least find some mixed gladiolus bulbs at the dollar store and planted those, so at least Lizzie has some perennial summer flowers now and I put in some new mulch.