5 Years

I saw on pinterest last week, a suggestion to new brides that they make a "where I see myself" sheet for the next 5, 10, 15 years and make a kind of time capsule of it.  Open on the intervals and see how u measure up, and how your outlook has changed.  

Mr. Fix-It and I are quickly coming up on 5 years of marriage.  Everyone around us keeps commenting on "how fast it all goes by"...but for me the last 5 years have been slow and miserable.  Don't get me wrong, there have been plenty of good times and my husband is an incredible man who I wouldn't trade for the world.  I'm not sure how I caught him, and I certainly don't deserve him, but he's my everything.

But if I had bothered to make one of those time capsules, I know exactly what my goals would have been: Move back to the general vacinity of my hometown, own a home with plenty of land, be the mother of a 4 year old, a 3yo, 2yo, a 1yo and have another on the way.  Bury myself in raising them and loving my husband, whatever that may have meant. little league, swim classes, etc.  To some people, I'm sure that seems small or anti-feminist, or unrealistic, or insufficient... but I knew exactly what I wanted.  I have no desire for a career, or glory... I wanted my legacy to be my children.

5 years later, I have accomplished a grand total of one of those things.  In my grand "life schedule", I was actually a year ahead, having completed college and gotten married a year ahead of schedule.  But I haven't really moved ahead since then.  I an 4 years behind schedule.  I guess you could say I do have 4 children (who would be almost 3, almost 3, 1.5 and 1) tho I can't claim another on the way.  But burying myself in these children means burying myself under grief and pain and an ocean of what-ifs.  I can't say I don't do it at times, but I can say that it's the epitome of unhealthy and I get lost and suffocated so easily.  I come out with no idea who I am or who I was.

5 years seems a good point to re-evaluate... a GREAT time to re-evaluate, but I can't bring myself to it.  Of course, I have to keep shoving things back since the rest of my life goals depend on accomplishing these ones first, but I can't bring myself to want something different.  So often, I feel so lost.  I feel like the last 5 years have completely torn down who I used to be to the point that I can't remember who I was, and left me as no one, empty.  But when you ask me what I want for my life, I still know the answer. (maybe there's still a little of the old me left.)  The only problem is that now I'm very sincerely afraid that I may never get even a glimpse of that life.  What was once steering merrily off into the sunset is now driving myself off a cliff.  I may yet have the opportunity to live the life I've always wanted, but I do have to ask myself  "What if I don't?" because I get no say in it anymore.

How do you change the inmost desires of your heart?