How We Remember

CD28, 14DPO

Well, here I sit waiting for the red lady...who I presume is coming.  This morning's FRER was assembled incorrectly and I had to take it apart and interpret the results but I THINK it was negative (and that folks is why I consider Clearblue Digial to be the rolls royce of HPTs, but the store was out of 'em).  Still not the slightest sign of spotting, tho the headaches I've had the last few days suggest she is coming as well.

Anyways, today is Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day.  Everyone remembers their little angels in different ways.  I'm gonna share some of the things we and other folks have done to remember our little angels, but I'd really love to hear what you have done also.

• Currently, there are 2 weeping cherry trees in our yard, which we planted after our first two losses.  I do plan on either planting 2 more or one more and putting in a bench.  
• When our church got new hymnals last year, I donated 3 in memory of our 3 (at the time) angels.  
• My car has a pink & blue ribbon magnet.  I couldn't find anywhere that had discrete (aka: text-free) ones, so I made and ordered one at supportourribbons.com.  

And then, there's Elizabeth.  Part of me feels sort of terrible singling her out.  I hate that the rest of our angels didn't get names, but years later it feels wrong to just assign them names and I guess it didn't occur to me at the time.  But now I feel like I've done them a disservice, because I assure you they were no less real and certainly no less human to me just because I never go to hold them or know their gender and 2 of them I never even got to see on an ultrasound machine.  I wish I could turn back the clock and give them names when it was apropriate to do so, or that it didn't feel like too little too late now.  But at the same time, Elizabeth was different.  Not because she was more precious, but because she was more known.  

She was more known to me, who carried her for more than 19 weeks.  I like to think she liked bananas and plain spaghetti with marinara sauce, cuz those were the only things she would let me eat.  She fluttered at the silliest times, but especially when her daddy was around.  She's my little Lizzie who I learned was in danger the second I finally learned what to call her.  Who I spent 3 days comforting and begging forgiveness of because there was nothing I could do to save her, while her movements got fewer and fewer.  She was the only child I ever got to hold in my arms, even if it was just her still, limp body.  

She's also the only one who was really known to the public, especially at the end when I was finally starting to get that bump.  Because she was more substantial, and because she was more known to the public, we were given almost normal room to bury her and grieve for her.  That has also given us more space to memorialize her, and others who wished to do so.

• Elizabeth was cremated and buried with a small graveside service with some extended family.  In a box with her urn (which was about the size of a pill bottle), we put a blanket someone had knitted in anticipation of her arrival, the tiniest teddy bear we could find (so it wouldn't be too big for her) which, fittingly, said Jesus Loves Me, and a note I had written her.  Just a little over a week ago, her headstone finally made it into place. 
• The hospital gave us a memorial box with the tiniest footprints on one panel of the lid, and a little card declaring that she weighed 9.5oz on the other.  We put all of her ultrasound pics, the pics the hospital staff took for us (I wish there were more), and my hospital bracelets in a little album in it.  In the back we put the ultrasound pics and bracelets from our other angels.  The box also contains the teacup the held the water she was baptized with, the blanket she was wrapped in, the knitted dress donated by a group at the hospital that she was too small to wear and a couple other similar nick-nacks.  It lives on our dresser so we can look at it whenever we want. 
• The staff at my mom's office pitched in and bought a leaf for the National Tree of Hope Monument in her honor.  I've never been to see the tree, but I hope to some day.  In the mean time, we were sent a replica of her brass leaf, a Christmas ornament, and 2 keychains. 
• One of Mr. Fix-It's Aunts paid for the National Arbor Day foundation to plant 10 trees in her honor. 
• I haven't yet, but I'm seriously thinking about getting a memorial tattoo.  I do agree with my mom tho, when she says I should give it a little more time.  Tattoos are forever. 

Today, to honor Pregnancy & Infant loss Rememberance day, the organizers ask that we all light a candle at 7pm, your own time zone, thus creating a "wave of light".  They're forecasting pretty heavy winds tonight here, so I might have to use flashlights or oil lamps or something. 

What have you all done to remember your precious angels?